Suck it 2009, Bring it 2010!

2009 can suck it for so many reasons -- failed adoption, miscarriage, medical drama, the rise of the non-celebrity (think the Gosselins, Balloon Boy, Jersey Shore), the death of Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin writing a best selling novel. Of course these things aren't equally weighted, but a major source of irritation and frustration nonetheless.

Indeed I've never been so excited to usher in a new year, a new decade and bask in the hope of things to come. Never in my life have I made a New Year's resolution, but I've always had goals. Today I'm very clear on what my goals are.

1. Continue working on my relationship with God. With a year that contained so many valleys, it made it very hard to believe... in anything really - not God, not the people in my life and not myself. In the last couple of months, I've been back at the church I was baptized in at 17 and remembering why this was once such an important part of my life. My spiritual-self has been starved, for years now, each day feels like I'm being nursed back to health.

2. Volunteer more. For me, service is essential to happiness. I remember reading once that the Amish are the happiest in the United States. They attribute that to each member of the faith knowing their purpose and role in the greater community. I'm a little Amish like that! What feels good to me is to help people and to be of service. Given the current economic times, there is no shortage of people who need a hand up. I've picked my programs for this year and I'm excited to move full steam ahead!

3.Get healthy! Duh? More than ever now I know how much I need this. Being diagnosed with Celiac was quite the wake up a call. If I don't watch what I eat, I'm facing cancer, malignancies and at the very minimum, severe discomfort and explosive poops. Not sexy. In addition to eating, I need to get it together in the gym. I've slacked off majorly in that department since my Celiac diagnosis because the pounds have been shedding but it's not just about weight loss, it's about feeling good. I have five workout partners in rotation now and it's been just the encouragement I've needed. That's a lot of accountability.

4. Lastly, be a better daughter, sister, aunt, godmother and friend without losing me. No explanation needed on that! I want to be a bright light for the people in my life, just as they are in mine.

Simple enough right? I also understand that it's not the swiftness out of the gate, but the ability to endure that's going to determine victory in the long-run. I'm lacing up my sneakers, icing my knees, pacing myself and preparing for the road ahead.

Happy New Year!

Bravo!

In my last post, I blogged about my Celiac diagnosis and how difficult the news had been. You would have thought that the doctor told me that I had a malignant brain tumor per my reaction, but telling me - the girl who thinks God invented carbs as confirmation of His love for me - that muffins, bagels and bread as I know it (and love it)is out... that's a tough one.

At first I was a little defiant. The little ignorant voice in my head said: Hey, you've been eating gluten all these years, you don't HAVE to go cold turkey now. Because food has been the enemy lately, I've not had much of an appetite and when I did eat, I wasn't very vigilant. Last week I cleaned out my pantry, donating bread, bagels, cereal, sauces, salad dressing, spices and pasta. Bags and bags of pasta. I promise you I had at least kind you've never heard of! It was kind of amazing and kind of sad all at once.

Something happened yesterday where for the first time, I came to terms with my diagnosis. I woke up starving. I looked at my empty pantry and thought something has got to give. Mind you I was diagnosed early last week and I just got around to grocery shopping yesterday - a full 11 days after being told that I needed to go gluten-free. When I entered Trader Joe's, I told one of their customer service people that I had Celiac and was shopping gluten-free for the first time. He handed me a 4-page list of their gluten-free products, in no particular order, no manufacturer name and the first few items weren't even in the store. I don't know why, but I just started to cry. Christmas is this week so there were no shortage of shoppers, mainly boozers. And here I was, crying. It was really difficult. Turning over ever products, inspecting the ingredients for words that I knew and didn't know. Was totally overwhelming. After I had my cry, I left with 2 bags and out of $60. I went to my main grocery story and dropped another $200. It's infuriating that makers of gluten-free products charge what they do because they know they can... Ugh. I wrote Glutino, a g-free food maker, a long, not-so-nice letter. Why is being healthy a luxury?

In other news, I got a Facebook message from someone I hadn't talked to in years telling me I was on the back of Weight Watchers weekly newsletter. I called my center and sure enough, I was featured in the Bravo section! How cool is that? After I heard from Kaitlyn, I got a couple more tweets, calls and Facebook messages saying, "Is that you?" I went to my center, where my meeting leader gave me a few copies. I was so proud of myself! More than anything, it reminded me of how good I felt when I was on program and how excited I was about exploring new recipes (which is what my bravo was about). The publication was so timely because here I am again, nervous about whether or not I'm going to be able to have my favorite things. It's a little bit different now but I will still have to focus my efforts on making the foods I love, love me back.

I'm still committed. Still trying to get healthy - albeit a new kind of healthy. I'm still trying to shed the pounds. I'm still pushing the limits of my food knowledge and still trying to fill in the information gaps. With everything going on, I'm still on my journey. For that, I give myself a bravo!

Medical Bombshell

Lately, I've been having some really severe abdominal pains. So much so that it's been just as easy to not eat at all because my stomach has been so erratic. My miscarriage is never far from my mind so I've really tried to listen to my body. Last week I had an EGD and while on business travel today, my doctor called with the results. I have Celiac Disease.

I was sitting down to a pasta dinner with two friends and I didn't see any need to spoil a perfectly carb-y good dinner. I don't think I processed the news immediately, but as the night went on and I was left with my thoughts (and my laptop) on the plane, the magnitude of the issue came into focus.

For those that don't know, Celiac is an autoimmune disease of the small intestine.When people with Celiac eat foods that contain gluten (wheat, barley, rye and some oats), it creates an immune-mediated toxic reaction that causes damage to the small intestine and does not allow food to be properly absorbed. So not only are there some painful, not-so-pretty gastrointestinal issues, it keeps you from absorbing the nutrients in foods you eat which often leads to malnutrition. Imagine a 240-something pound girl being malnourished. The malabsorption of nutrients lead to anemia, muscle cramps, anxiety/depression and dental/bone disorders.

Hindsight is always 20/20. For several years now, I've been given iron in IVs to help my progressively worsening anemia. I have the soreness, fatigue, gastrointestinal issues and have spent an obscene amount of money in dental work because my tooth enamels are shot. What's even more frustrating is back in 2004, I did the South Beach Diet. With this diet you cut all carbs out for the first two weeks. During these first two weeks, I lost more than 20 pounds. When my doctor inquired about my sudden weight loss, I told him about this miracle diet. His exacts were to me were, "That's atypical. I'm sure you have some kind of wheat sensitivity. Every day you probably ingest something that you have a slight allergy to causing you to bloat and swell." End of story. A slight allergy. I'm kicking myself because that was 5-years-ago. Even more upsetting, I learned that miscarriages are very prevalent in women affected by Celiac. Like scarily prevalent. There's not sure fire way to make a connection, but everything else checked out. Maybe it didn't "just happen." I've also blogged, ad nauseam, about how good I felt when I was cutting out processed foods and eating very healthy... there was more to it than just that.

Within hours of my diagnosis, I had several web sites bookmarked, a list of g-free products, must read books, created my twitter Celiac/g-free living list. I'm a mobilizer. I was consumed with getting more information and planning next steps. As I prepare to go to bed the reality of this hits me. I just looked a list of foods containing gluten that should be avoided: pizza, pasta, muffins, doughnuts, pretzles, pancakes, scones, cereal, beer.... okay, I don't drink beer, but I'd at least like a say in the matter!

I read the list over again and I cried. Yes, I cried over doughnuts, pizza and pasta but hey, for me, that's something worth getting emotional over! 10-hours into my diagnosis and I still can't conceptualize all the ways my life will change. I'm sure I won't for many weeks, months to come, but I do know that knowing is half the battle. There's still so much to learn. I saw an exhaustive list of things with "hidden gluten" like toothpaste, tomato sauce, soy sauce, pickles, lunch meat, blu cheese. There's just so much to learn. What the hell is an emulsifier and stabilizers because I can't have those either!

I have an appointment for early next week to meet with a nutritionist specializing in gluten-free diets. Until then, I'm trying to maintain optimistic. I should be grateful that it's a disease controlled totally by diet - no medicine, no surgery, just good choices. For a normal person, that might be ideal but for someone who has struggled her whole life with eating, it's pretty damn scary. Please give me a pill! I'd swallow 20 if you just give me my fucking pasta! {wait... sorry...I lost myself} Yea, so about being optimistic. I'm trying. No use of crying over spilled doughnuts... right? Right?

Meet My New Friend

... Dr Mehmet Oz.

Last week I added him to my DVR rotation and I'm so glad I did. I used to see him on Oprah from time-to-time, but every time I watched they were talking about poop and I thought it best to just delete.

Just this week I watched his show on food as medicine and it was probably the best hour I've spent in a long time. He went into why we needs the foods we do. Of course, I've read it online but there's nothing like it being broken in laymen terms, complete with visuals and demonstrations.

I can rattle off the foods rich in antioxidants, but I had no clue what I was trying to stop from oxidizing and why. True story. Did you know your insides can rust? You know how you cut an apple and the flesh begins to brown as soon as it makes contact with air? That happens to your organs,thereby making them less efficient! Antioxidants slow down that process. I knew you were supposed to sprinkle lemon juice on an apple to slow up oxidization (shout out to Rachael Ray), but never thought any more of it.

For me, this journey is about living the best life possible and being healthy. I'm always amused and alarmed by what I don't know about my body. Any tool to educate myself is one that I'll take advantage of. The con is I've diagnosed myself with a a brain hemorrhage, retrovirus, deep vein thrombosis and MRSA all in one week but hey...

Anyway, just wanted to share this jewel of a show because I've gleaned so much in just the last couple of week.

On the weight loss front, I've decided to only weigh in every two weeks now. It sounds odd but I can't deal with the high highs and low lows of the scale anymore. My "Un-Process Me" week was very clarifying in that way - my mood was great, energy was high, I slept well... and it reminded me of why I set out on this journey. The weight IS coming off. Of course I'd like it to come off faster but who am I racing?

Un-process Me: Wrap Up

Current Weight: 243
Loss/Gain: -4.1
Total Lost: 36.6
Pounds to Goal: 68

I've been a very bad blogger lately! I went out of town to NYC and spent the rest of the week with family and friends in town for the holiday season. I can't even tell you how refreshed my spirit and energy is by spending time with the people who matter the most to me. Totally healing.

As I said in my last post, my friend I was visiting's family has a personal chef and now I know at least one reason celebs are so damn skinny. Life is infinitely easier when you don't have to plan or prepare your own meals! Prior to my arrival, Dominic was made aware that I wanted to do as many whole foods as possible. My meals included corn & crab chowder, caramelized scallops, blackened halibut, cranberry brown rice, honey roasted squash and my absolute favorite, chilled fruit soup garnished with mint. I ate my weight in watermelon-kiwi soup. Breakfast and lunch were usually at home and we went out for dinner but even those meals were sensible. At the close of the week, I'd lost 4 pounds and I weighed in on the first day of my period. The end result was not just a great number on the scale, but me feeling absolutely awesome and that was the goal. I slept better, my moods was much improved and I noticed I didn't have the crashing that I usually have midday. I also suffer from headaches at least 1-2 times per week. I didn't have a headache at all that week.

To go from that week of pure eating to a week of sweet potato pies, macaroni & cheese and other food sins was quite the shock to my system. On the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I epic failed at the gym. Work was busy the first couple of days of the week and with friends and family visiting, the gym just wasn't a priority. I lost a filling on Tuesday and that was my saving grace! I was put on antibiotics on Wednesday and between discomfort in my tooth and a thwarted appetite because of the meds, eating was mellow. It's not ideal, but...

Tomorrow I'm back in the gym and while I'm not doing only whole foods/macrobiotic, I'm going to continue being conscious of my intake of processed foods. I've made my menu for the week and my shopping list is full of fruits, veggies and seafood. Just sucks I couldn't bring Dominic home with me... *sigh*

Un-process Me: Days 4 & 5

I didn't get a chance to post. Between visiting with friends and family and reading a really good book (The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton), the day, night and wee hours of the morning got away from me.

So yesterday was... maybe not so great. It started out innocently enough. I started reading this book and if you're not a book lover, you may not understand that thing that happens when you get a really good one. You know? When the rest of the world ceases to exist, the TV is off, your phone is on silent and you have to consciously remind yourself to breathe. That was yesterday for me. Eating was so totally secondary and it caught up to me that evening. I was just throwing meals together, no protein or anything throughout the day. By the time I met a friend for a girl's night out, I was famished! We picked a seafood restaurant because I thought it would be easy to do fish and veggies and it was... except that's not exactly what I wanted once I started looking at the menu. I had the 2-minute debate with myself - what I wanted vs whole foods. What I wanted won pretty handily.

Breakfast
Fresh strawberries & bananas

Lunch
Spinach salad dressed with citrus vinegarette

Dinner
Salad (It had cheese and croutons. Fail)
2 Peach Bourbon Glazed Scallops (AMAZING, but it was wrapped in bacon. Double Fail)
4 coconut shrimp, baked potato, half of a half order of shrimp pasta
And.... a Hurricane (Epic fail)

It was really good though. I bought home my leftovers, without thinking. I had to throw them away though. I should have eaten better during the day and that may have led to better decisions at night.

Anyway today started anew and I was right back at it.

Breakfast
Fried egg (not oil or butter, just a good non-stick skillet)
Grapefruit

Lunch
Grilled fresh herbed chicken breast with sage, rosemary and thyme
Roasted rosemary red potatoes
Asparagus

Dinner
I have a spinach salad left to eat with leftover sea bass but honestly, I'm stuffed for lunch. Can't really think about dinner right now!

Exercise
60 minutes of spin class (891 calories burned)
45 minutes of strength training (arms & abs)

Tomorrow I'm heading to NYC and am determined to stay on program for the remaining two days. I'm going to visit my friend whose family has a personal chef that makes meals to order! She has assured me that her chef is well versed on whole food diet recipes and has my back for the rest of the week! I can't tell you how excited I am to not have to worry about planning! She's really into working out so I'm packing my sneakers and sweat in preparation for a good workout or two. New York is a tough city to exercise discipline but there's always Sunday... John's on Bleecker here we come!

Un-process Me: Day 3

Last night I slept for an uninterrupted 9 hours! Maybe the magnitude of that statement is lost on you guys but it's the equivalent of me saying, I lost 75 pounds in my sleep. It's crazy; it just doesn't happen.

If I don't take sleep medication, it's not uncommon for me to be awake until 4-5 a.m and I'm usually awake by 9 or so. I'm used to only getting about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and even if I have the option of staying in bed, I can never seem to fall back asleep. During my research, I read that refined carbohydrates, preservatives, additives, chocolate, colas etc. all can interrupt sleep. I can't say definitively if it's the meal plan, but I know that sleeping that long made me feel like a new woman!

I also got a pat on the back from my trainer about the intensity of my workout. And let me tell you, pats on the back from Mr. Mike Royce is few and far between. At the end of every workout, I usually get the "Next time, I need to {insert any word here that means give more/try harder}. My energy felt inexhaustible today and I think I may have worn him out.

Breakfast
Strawberry, Mango, Banana smoothie made with coconut water.
My nutritionist recommended coconut water because of it's health benefits. Upon research, I learned it's chock full of electrolytes, calcium, potassium, magnesium; everything that is good for you. Doesn't hurt a thing that it tastes yummy!

Lunch
Leftover Low Country Boil, which is shrimp, corn on the cob and red potatoes boiled in crab boil seasoning.
Spinach salad with grapes, dried cranberries and oranges in a citrus vinegarette

Dinner
Sea Bass with Balsamic Curried Orange Glaze, spinach and grilled plantains.
AM-A-ZING! Seriously, I could have licked the plate! I omitted the brown sugar and the canola oil and added honey. There are no words! I wilted some spinach with garlic and it looked like something worthy of Top Chef.

Exercise
60 minutes of interval cardio training - recumbent bike, treadmill and elliptical machine. (976 calories burned)
60 minutes weight training - back, chest & abs

Tomorrow is Day 4. I don't have any doubts I can stay on plan for the remaining days. I have no cravings right now and I'm enjoying challenging myself in the kitchen! This was definitely a good idea.